


Chances

by shhhhhhhhbimil



Series: Experience [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Could possibly be read as a oneshot, Emotional Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Retrospective, Swearing, alternate POV, ends sorta mid chap 15, side chap, some sexual content, supplementary piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 02:29:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12049425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shhhhhhhhbimil/pseuds/shhhhhhhhbimil
Summary: Javier had a chance, and he made mistakes. He won't make those mistakes again.Javier's POV for 'Experience'





	Chances

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s a little side-thing of Javier’s perspective. I mostly wrote as an exercise for myself to reconcile Javi as a character. Some parts really didn’t really come out how I wanted but there are some parts that add to the story and make Javi a bit more sympathetic, even if this will not change the story at all. This is 14,000 words. Why am I like this.

  
**Chances**

 

Javier had no idea what had drawn him to Yuzuru. Not because it was a random, inexplicable thing but there were too many little reasons.

Honestly, the first time they met Javier had just tried to talk to the kid because he looked like a junior that got lost and showed up at the wrong competition. Yuzuru had been bummed out about his performance, despite it being a pretty good showing for a fifteen-year-old who just came up to seniors. Javier tried to cheer him up, Yuzuru had been polite and fell asleep with his mouth open on the bus back to the hotel.

Everything after that was a muddle of small details that caught Javier’s attention and endeared him. Like the pooh bear he lugged about at competitions and the way he’d talk to it before heading out of the locker room. His cute habit of using the bear as a proxy when he was feeling shy or particularly playful; waving it’s arms around, hiding his face being the bright yellow bear’s friendly smile, whacking people with it or giving out ‘kisses’. Javier had asked him about it. Yuzuru hadn’t seemed embarrassed by it at all, which was odd considering he was a teenage boy with an attachment to a stuffed toy.

“Feel...ne..nervous?” Yuzuru said, head tilted and face screwed up as he struggled with the English. “Talk to Pooh. Pooh face is happy. I feel happy.”

It was a cute little quirk. It didn’t exactly hurt that the kid was good-looking either. Pretty, in a way. Soft and boyish, sometimes a little feminine. Eyes that turned into crescents when he smiled, a cute cupids bow mouth. Expressive. Sometimes he displayed a sharpness that belied the delicacy of his features; a fire in him coming out, transforming him.  
The faces Yuzuru would make as he reached for English words and the sheepish grimaces he pulled when he sloppily tossed the words he knew together, hoping they made some kind of sense, weren’t always so pretty but they had their own charm.

Sometimes his attempts at English made sense. Sometimes they didn’t. Javier found he understood a lot of the time anyway. He’d been there. He knew how hard it was. It was just another thing Javier found endearing. His go to word seemed to be ‘happy’. Usually followed by ‘but’. Javier thought that said a lot about him.  
Yuzuru was easy to like. And so, Javier liked him.

Which was probably why when, at sixteen, Yuzuru had moved to Toronto and became Javier’s rink mate, he took it upon himself to do whatever he could to help. Javier knew how hard it was to move to a country where the language is hard, and everything is different; where your family is far away, and all your friends are left behind. When Javier had left Spain, it had been lonely, miserable and painful. Toronto had been better because people at the club went out of their way to help him settle. Javier wanted to do that for Yuzuru. He reached out to him, tried to make him feel safe and welcome, tried to make sure he didn’t feel isolated.  
Javier kind of felt protective of Yuzuru. To begin with. Like he had some responsibility to look after him.  
He was so young, but he had already been through so much.

He was only sixteen, but he made Javier really understand what to meant for someone to be wise beyond their years. He had moments of maturity that outstripped Javier’s, moments of mental clarity Javier had never come close to. He’d say something oddly profound or shockingly wise that would leave Javier stunned at how he was this deep and rational thinker. And then he’d blurt out about his high score on his game and talk about high school or show off his newest set of headphones, make a silly face or smack Javier with his Pooh, laughing like a goose, and remind Javier of his real age.

There was also the strangeness of the way Yuzuru looked up to Javier. He recognised that slowly from the little praises Yuzuru would give out of the blue and the way he would sometimes watch Javier in practice, clapping his hands in a quiet applause whenever he landed a jump. At first, he thought it was just because he was older. Then he thought it was just because he had been competing a little longer than Yuzuru. Maybe those things were factors, but it wasn’t the only reason. Yuzuru seemed to honestly just enjoy Javier’s skating. He hadn’t really expected that. He wasn’t really anything special. Not in the way Yuzuru undoubtedly would become once his potential came through.

“I like Javi’s jump,” Yuzuru told him earnestly. It made Javier puff with pride. The kid who got a medal at his first world championships saw something to admire in him. It made Javier want to earn that admiration.

Javier watched as Yuzuru bent down to touch the ice before practice started, the reverent smile of his face, and thought of what Yuzuru had said about feeling grateful the rink was here for him to skate at every day. Javier had thought about the stability he had lacked before moving to Toronto because of the whims of coaches, or the unreliable funding rinks had in Spain. He felt stupid, for not realising immediately, that Yuzuru was thinking of the previous spring and summer. Javier knew parts, had heard snippets of information here and there. Miki had gushed about Yuzuru when they had a little catch-up, and he mentioned his new rink mate.

“I did charity skate with him,” she had said, voice a little crackly from the phone reception. It was nice to catch up with her, from time to time. “He is sweet kid. Many people worry for him when earthquake happened. Took nearly a week for him to let people know he was okay. I thought Mao was going crazy.”

The earthquake. Javier had felt stupid for not remembering it hit Yuzuru’s hometown while he was there. Yuzuru didn’t talk about it, and Javier never asked. He knew better than to push someone to talk about something like that just because he was curious. Yuzuru was always bright and bubbly, but there was a weight on his shoulders and a dark scar of guilt and trauma that just made Javier want to protect him more. Javier did what he could to make sure he felt safe and welcome.

  
Javier was aware that Yuzuru had asthma. He had seen him at competitions after his free skate, out of breath and gasping for air. He had seen him in the locker room applying patches to the back of his neck or shoulder or arm, apparently, something that would help stave off an attack while he performed. When Yuzuru moved to Toronto, Javier saw the precautions he took; the little breaks during training, the limited time on the ice, the mask he wore so the cold air wouldn’t aggravate his lungs. Sometimes he would wheeze or cough, and take that as a sign to slow down. Javier had even seen him use his inhaler when the asthma was presenting a problem despite not seeing to be a severe attack.

  
The first time he saw what that asthma really looked like, it frightened him. It was just a time where Yuzuru needed to take a break - sit down, maybe use his inhaler - but got there a little too late. He saw Yuzuru’s skin grow paler, the wheezy breaths growing shallower and faster until Yuzuru’s lips were on odd shade of purple. He had been fumbling in his bag, but he couldn’t anymore. His hands gripped his knees, his lips parted as he struggled for air. Brian and his mother had been quick to reach his side, getting the inhaler and pressing it into Yuzuru’s hands. Javier stood, watching in abject horror, not knowing what in the hell to do. Frozen.

Yuzuru’s mother immediately took him to hospital to be checked over. He didn’t come to training for the rest of the week.  
An uncomfortable feeling settled in Javier. A weird awareness of their mortality. Helplessness. A niggling fear that one-day Yuzuru could have an attack that would be his last. That he’d be whisked away from the club, and never come back. It was a fear that stayed with him and returned with every asthma attack Yuzuru had. No more honking laughter with his head thrown back, no more giggling at jokes Javier whispered in his ear. No more squirming when Javier tickled under his ribs or cheeky smiles or stupid pranks. No more of watching Yuzuru dance around the locker room to whatever was playing through his earphones. Nothing.

It got a little easier to shake it off every time, but it always came back. It wasn’t a hysterical kind of fear, more of edginess that swirled in his stomach until he saw Yuzuru again - safe and flush with colour, pink lipped and shiny eyed. Back to normal.

It was the same fear that gripped him years later when he got a flood of messages from Nam freaking out because Yuzuru had collided with another skater. He saw clips of it, pictures, but he couldn’t watch. It hurt too much. He froze up. That helplessness came back with force. He desperately wanted to do something but had no idea what he could do with Yuzuru half-way across the world and not speaking to him.

That first time seeing Yuzuru like that also brought a horrible, selfish feeling of inadequacy that made Javier hate himself all the more. He went to training, he went through the motions, but it was harder and harder to will up the motivation to really commit to what he was doing. Until Brian dragged him into the office for a ‘little chat’.

“Are you okay?” Brian had asked, ushering Javier into the office chair. “You’ve been a little off for a few days now.”  
  
“I’m fine,” Javier answered shortly. Brian’s lips thinned, unconvinced.

“Javi, we’ve talked about this.” Brian sighed and sat down. “You need to tell me when you’re having a hard time.”

“It’s just...Yuzu.” Javier averted his eyes. He wasn’t proud of himself right then. He felt weak and stupid and, frankly, pathetic.

“Ah,” Brian said in recognition. “Have you never seen an asthma attack before?”

Javier shook his head, shrinking in his seat. “Not like that.”

“Do you need an appointment?”

An appointment. With the psychologist. Javier shook his head again. “No.”

“I’m glad you two get on so well,” Brian said after a short pause. He smiled in that way he did whenever he wanted Javier to feel better, as if he was telegraphing so kind of positive feeling. “He’s a good influence on you.”

  
Javier wasn’t entirely sure what Brian meant by that. Perhaps in the way having Yuzuru around, seeing him skate, made him feel a bit competitive. Or maybe it was just Yuzuru’s regular goofball self and Javier’s love of making him laugh brought out the best in him. He saw when Yuzuru was getting worked up and tried to defuse him. In return, Yuzuru seemed to spot when Javier was disheartened and cheered him on.

“He’s a nice kid.” Javier let out a heavy breath. “I'm stupid.”

Brian made a small sound to encourage him to continue, so Javier did. It was a bitter confession to make but letting it out helped.

“He has things that should hold him back, but nothing does.” Javier had raked his hand over his head, not used to his shorter hair. “I don’t have any real problems, and I’m not half as good as he is.”

“Javi.” Brian shook his head. “Your problems are just as real as his asthma and both are things we just have to cope with and improve in any way we can.”  
Javier nodded, sullen. Brian leant forward and continued. “It’s about prevention and care with both of you. He does what he can to avoid having an attack and takes care of himself when he does. You need to do the same.”

“I shouldn’t be using him as a way to beat myself up,” Javier said faintly.

“No, you shouldn’t,” Brian told him bluntly. “At least you know it.”  
He reached out and patted Javier’s forearm. “You’ve been making great progress, and I’m proud of you.”

Brian had been good for Javier. He had moved to Toronto with his nerves shot to shit, a crippled sense of self-confidence and his motivation through the floor. He was close to quitting - not the first time he had considered it. But Brian saw something in him, and a part of Javier didn’t want to give up. Brian was just the right balance between firm and caring to pick Javier up. Strict enough to stop him from slacking off, attentive enough to question why he wasn’t motivated. A stint with a sports psychologist and a notable improvement in his skating and his results helped. Though Brian’s ultimate goal was not to have Javier’s sense of self-worth hinge on where he placed in any given competition. It was a slow process.

“It just freaked me out a bit.” Javier shrugged. “I wanted to help him, but I didn’t know what to do.”

It wasn’t Javier’s job to help. That’s what Brian told him. But, at least, it was nice that he cared.

Yuzuru returned to training the next day. He looked at Javier, his eyes telegraphing the smile that was hidden beneath the mask he wore over his face. Javier considered Yuzuru, a friend by this point. They hung out and played games and made each other laugh. Javier tried to teach Yuzuru about La Liga, and Yuzuru showed Javier his favourite baseball team. They played video games together, helped each other up when they fell and encouraged each other to carry on when they were having a shitty training session. Javier had never quite had the kind of friend he would jump through fire for but seeing Yuzuru’s eyes light up like that made Javier feel like he would do the most ridiculous shit to protect that smile.

  
Things remained simple, for awhile. Other than a one-off joke from Brian about how ‘someone has a little crush’ that stuck in Javier’s mind and made him feel strange whenever Yuzuru got flustered at something Javier said and scuttled off with a red face. It was cute. Javier was flattered by the idea of it. The strange feeling he got wasn’t exactly unpleasant. He kinda liked the idea of this cute kid he was ridiculously fond of having just as much affection for him. He had an awful habit of saying something he knew would make Yuzuru turn pink for the pleasure of seeing him blush. Because it wasn’t embarrassment that gave Yuzuru colour in his cheeks, it was a kind of delight and thrill. Javier liked seeing that sparkle of joy in Yuzuru’s eyes.  
Crushes fade. It wasn’t a problem.

  
And nothing really changed, anyway. Yuzuru still laughed at Javier’s jokes, clapped during training and spent too much time playing video games. He was still the kid with the Pooh, and the too-loud-laugh Javier always liked.

  
Yuzuru always had a depth of confidence Javier couldn’t even fathom, but as he grew older it changed slightly. Less bold outbursts and more a quiet sureness. He was eighteen, more comfortable in his skin than Javier had ever been but also under more pressure than Javier ever faced. They lay on Javier’s bed talking about their dreams, and Javier realised that slowly that Yuzuru had stopped Javier from beating back his dreams quite so much. It wasn’t just his laugh that was infectious; he had been slowly giving Javier bits of his confidence too.

Javier watched Yuzuru run through his short program. The one he would keep for the Olympics in Sochi. The one he set world records with and launched himself as a star of the sport.  
He had been a bit too young for it the year before, a bit immature maybe. It didn't quite fit him.  
It suited him better as an older teen. No longer a high school student, half way to nineteen, features already refining in the exit out of puberty. Still cute and boyish and beautiful but sharper in his jawline and cheekbones.

  
Javier watched the lines he cut in his black training clothes. Yuzuru had met his eyes as he ran through his hair and shot a flirty smile, complete with a bite of his lip, chin lifting cockily and an eye half winking.

Oh, Javier thought. Oh no. When did that happen? When did Yuzuru stop shuffling away and hiding his blush behind Pooh in favour of flirty smiles and a naughty glimmer in his eye as if double daring Javier to do something? When did he stop seemingly cute and awkward and start being coquettish? And when did Javier start liking it?

Somewhere along the way, Javier’s encouragement of Yuzuru’s crush became him harbouring a little crush of his own. Friendly adoration grew and changed into something else entirely. Oops.

Javier had been attracted to guys before. It was rare. More the exception than the rule. And only sexual. Not romantic. Fooling around once or twice when it meant nothing and he never had to see the guy again was one thing. Fucking around with a couple of guys here and there while he didn’t have a girlfriend was nothing. A relationship was another guy was something that was totally out of the question.

  
Javier had spent too long being pushed around and called gay for doing a ‘girly’ sport. Spent too much time spitting back at would be bullies that he wasn’t, bragging about how he was always surrounded by girls in short dresses tight training clothes, to then prove all the little shits right by going and dating a guy he thought was cute.

Javier wasn’t looking at girls in tight training clothes anymore though. He was looking at Yuzuru.  
Yuzuru, in skin-tight black hugging his frame so tight you could see that despite how skinny he was, he wasn’t boney. Just pure, tight, lean muscle. Javier’s eyes would follow the slim waist down to thicker, more muscular thighs that gave the impression of a feminine figure - yet still distinctly male. He lingered on Yuzuru’s ass and swept over the barest curve of muscle at his chest. The sharper cut of his jawline, the stupidly long neck, the tongue peeking out to lick at full lips.  
Yuzuru had grown up. Javier had noticed. And couldn’t quite un-notice.

Yuzuru wasn’t exactly just some guy he could drop and avoid for the rest of his life and whether he liked it, admitted it, or not his attraction was not only sexual or aesthetic. There was too much friendship there, too much affection, too much admiration for Javier to completely deny any romantic interest.

He had looked at friends before and felt the dull tug of want, that tingle of attraction. He didn’t act upon it. It faded. Javier assumed the same would happen here. He would just ignore it until it went away.

It didn’t.

It was different, he supposed because he never been in the situation before where a male friend he decided was attractive so obviously reciprocated. He knew Yuzuru liked him. He saw it in the way Yuzuru’s eyes raked over his body from time to time, or the way he sometimes just stared at Javier’s mouth. It was evident in how Yuzuru had not just got used to Javier’s tendency to be a bit of the touchy side with friends but mirrored it and leaned into Javier whenever he could. He felt Yuzuru’s interest, and couldn’t help but respond to it.

If it had just been urges to touch Yuzuru sexually - kiss him hard, touch his body, fuck him - maybe he could have dealt with that. But no. It wasn’t just that. There were softer urges too. To comfort and hold, to support, to touch him gently. To be there for him when the burden of expectation was too much. Those sweeter, more tender desire had been around a lot longer than anything else.

They had already set such a precedent for physical affection that the shift from friendly to not-quite-so-friendly was natural and developed with little thought. Javier wanted to touch so he would touch, Yuzuru would lean into it, encourage and reply. Javier would linger, indulge, let his hands run down Yuzuru’s sides and hold at his waist. Then Yuzuru would look up at him, inviting. It felt like an experiment. What would run out first, their restraint or their interest in each other?  
The answer was restraint.

He probably shouldn't have gone to see Yuzuru in Sochi, after the free skate and all the media shit he had to deal with. It had been so late at night, and Yuzuru was going to be tired and emotionally all over the place, but that was why he ended up knocking on Yuzuru’s hotel door. Javier was disappointed and exhausted, nothing would quite recharge him like seeing Yuzuru smile and hearing him laugh. Javier just wanted to congratulate him, say how proud he felt to train with him and see him succeed, hold him.

  
Instead, he caught Yuzuru obsessing over the errors in his free program and seeming overall a little more sober than Javier expected. He meant to pull Yuzuru out of his weird fixation on mistakes he made so he could enjoy and celebrate his victory. Instead, he found himself telling Yuzuru how special he was, touching his cheek. The dusting of freckles beneath Yuzuru’s left eye and the rising pink in his cheeks should’ve just been cute. Javier used to just find these little details and Yuzuru’s blush adorable. But there was want in Yuzuru’s gaze, and Javier ached to answer that call. He was overwhelmed by the urge to kiss Yuzuru.

If he had done it properly, it might’ve been romantic. At the time, that troubled Javier. In retrospect, he wished their first kiss, the catalyst to them taking steps to having some kind of relationship, had been more romantic. Maybe he wouldn’t have fumbled through it like a total idiot quite so much.

Javier brought his lips to barely peck Yuzuru's before he thought better of it and pulled away, making it more an awkward brush than an actual kiss.  
Yuzuru had been vulnerable; his dreams had come true but he had to wrestle with the fact he hadn't achieved them quite the way he wanted. It didn't feel the way he thought it would feel. The reality was so much different than what he imagined. And Javier was seeking his own comfort and distraction from the fact he had missed out on getting a medal but had come so close. It wasn't right. It wasn't okay. He couldn't take advantage of the situation. No matter how much he wanted to.

  
They pretended it never happened.

Until Worlds at least. Yuzuru, high from his latest gold medal had flung his arms around Javier and gushed that he couldn’t win without him. The sentiment made Javier feel odd. Happy. But odd.

Yuzuru was too good for him. Too talented, too smart, too good. But somehow, he saw something in Javier. Somehow he saw Javier as worthy of his admiration, respect and affection. Javier was smitten with Yuzuru. He didn’t know what to do about that.He tried to do the very mature thing of stuffing his fingers in his ears and closing his eyes and hoping it would just go away.

Then Yuzuru kissed him. Javier gave in.  
Yuzuru fumbled, didn’t seem to know where to put his hands and kissed a little too harshly too much pressure. It made Javier wonder if it was Yuzuru’s first kiss. That didn’t deter him, rather, it inflamed Javier all the more to be able to take something so precious from Yuzuru. Javier tried to guide him to soften his mouth, to let his lips part and let his hands settle. Whatever little experience Yuzuru had was made up for in a lack of inhibition and Javier caught it. He held Yuzuru’s slim waist, pressed him against the wall. Pent up frustration and a thousand times Yuzuru had shot him heated glances or Javier had looked and wanted all came out. Javier wished they had been anywhere but the locker room after a competition, with coaches and competitors and media outside waiting for them. Javier pressed against Yuzuru’s body and felt the gasp against his mouth, heard the soft sound that came from the back of Yuzuru’s throat and wanted more. He wanted to slip his hand beneath Yuzuru’s clothes and feel how Yuzuru would react to his touch.

  
Javier tried to push it aside, pretend that kiss had been a conclusion to the months of build up. But when they did the shows at the start of summer it was clear it wasn’t. Yuzuru tried to show off his kendama skills and teach Javier a few tricks, sat so close their legs touches from hip to knee. Yuzuru doubled over laughing, hand gripping Javier’s thigh when he nearly smacked himself in the face.

“You’re good at other thing,” Yuzuru assured him between giggles. His eyes sparkled. They were sat too close. Everything Javier tried to ignore had only grown while his eyes had been shut. Now his eyes were open and he couldn’t ignore it anymore.

That kiss had was a start, not an end. Javier’s desire hadn’t disappeared and neither had Yuzuru’s, but they were back to restraint for the time being.

“It’s crazy,” Yuzuru had admitted after a show. The fan response, the media attention. “I’m happy I will be in Toronto for off season. It’s quieter.”

The timing was wrong. Everything was wrong.

If it were any other time, maybe Javier would’ve thought a little harder about actually taking their relationship seriously. If the buzz around Yuzuru had been a little less, maybe he would’ve given it more of a chance. Maybe he would’ve tried to accept to do a little more than just indulge a fantasy of a relationship with Yuzuru and just let himself surrender to whatever they could become. But it seemed impossible and scary and it was so much easier to think they could just get it out of their systems and carry on being rink mates. The shift between platonic, friendly fondness, to playful flirtation and a sexual attraction, had been swift. It seemed sensible, at the time, to think that they could have a short fling and put it behind them as quickly.

Yuzuru was too intense, too stressed, too wound up. Javier felt similarly; he was tired and frustrated and couldn’t get the break he had initially planned to have. Their friendship had often acted as a buffer, a solace from the stress of other areas of their lives. They understood each other and were more open with each other than they were with anyone else. Javier thought that they could function as an outlet, a space to unwind and have fun. Yuzuru agreed.  
And so it began.

  
It was always something a bit more than Javier was entirely comfortable with. But he was curious. It was a fucking awful idea, really, and Javier knew it was. Dating could blow up in their faces so badly, but he was so damn curious. He didn’t look at men the way he looked at Yuzuru often, he never felt for friends the way he felt for Yuzuru and let it grow the way he had. Men he fucked were small in number and just random guys he barely knew to fool around with and never contact again. Anyone who stuck around more than that was either avoided or never showed any signs of reciprocation.

Yuzuru was not someone he could simply fool around with and drop - if not because of the permanence of his presence, then because of his importance as part of Javier’s life and the fact that Javier’s desires for Yuzuru were not so straightforward. Yuzuru made him curious about what it would be like if he just gave the fuck up, got a clue and accepted that his sexuality included an interest in men.

  
He wanted a taste of what it would be like to date. If the circumstances were different and everything wasn’t shitty, confusing and dangerous. As if they had nothing to lose and nothing could go wrong from the outside.  
That off season was their safe space where they could try before reality would get in the way and Javier’s in-denial-ass would inevitably start making things difficult, and Yuzuru’s media attention and hoards of fans would become a problem.

So they dated. Temporarily. A taste. Nothing more. The end-date was set.  
Javier felt like he could deal with that. It didn’t really mean anything. It would end and they’d put it behind them. It was real-but-not-real. He let himself date Yuzuru whole-heartedly, but only because there was a flashing countdown timer at the back of his mind.

It didn’t feel that much different from any other time they hung out. They went out around the city and Yuzuru, like a curious child, would point at random shit that interested him and asked if Javier knew the English word for it. Most of the time he did, half the time he was pretty sure Yuzuru did too but was just messing about. Occasionally Javier just gave him the Spanish words for the joy of hearing Yuzuru giggle-snort at his own attempts to repeat the phrase, failing to trill his ‘r’ and exaggerating Javier’s accent.

  
They still chilled out in Javier’s apartment, either playing video games or watching TV together. Yuzuru would show him whatever new little dance was the hot trend in Japan, making Javier laugh fondly at the cute way Yuzuru would bounce around his living room. Or Yuzuru would lie on the floor with Effie, lovingly scratching behind her ears.

“I want a pet,” Yuzuru sighed wistfully. “Never had one.”

“Why not?” Javier asked, watching Yuzuru tickle under Effie’s chin.

“Mom think maybe bad for-” Yuzuru gestured vaguely at his chest. “Because hair.”

“Oh,” Javier exhaled. “Animals are bad for your asthma? Should I shut Effie up in another room next time you come over?”

“No!” Yuzuru half whined, pouting. “Maybe if I start coughing? But it’s okay. I like playing with cat.”

  
Javier smiled. He didn’t want to risk Yuzuru’s health, but he was adorably sulky and hadn’t coughed or sneezed more than usual any other time he had cuddle sessions with the cat.  
“If you had a pet, would you want a cat or a dog?”

Yuzuru looked up at him all misty eyed. “Oh, dogs are so cute too.”

Javier chuckled. “They need more attention than cats.”

Yuzuru hummed in agreement, pouting as Effie decided she was bored of being pet and trotted away to have some alone time. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t have either.”  
  
“You have Pooh,” Javier supplied. Yuzuru had a habit of petting at the tissue box cover.

Yuzuru sniggered, nodding. He looked up at Javier, legs curled beneath him on the floor, eyes turning sly. “I have you.”

“Oh yeah?” Javier teased. Yuzuru had smirked and sensually crawled towards where Javier was sat on the sofa, drawing himself up on his knees between Javier’s legs and pulling Javier down, so their faces were more or less level. He had nodded his head wordlessly and kissed him. They had kissed until Yuzuru was up on his lap pressing Javier against the back of the sofa and Javier’s hands on his hips, eager and giggling against Javier’s mouth.

  
That was the difference. Their dates just felt like friends hanging out, but they there interlaced with intimate touches and ended with making out of Javier’s sofa, then his bedroom.  
He hadn’t meant to get so caught up in it so quickly. Yuzuru was like a rushing river, and Javier let himself be swept away.

The physical stuff wasn’t a problem. Hugs were par for the course for them, and Javier enjoyed being able to hold on a little longer than usual away from prying eyes. He liked coming behind Yuzuru and wrapping his arms around his waist, pressing a kiss to his temple. He didn’t mind holding hands in the privacy of his apartment, or Yuzuru gently nuzzling against his neck. Affection had always been in their relationship; it was part of them. It was only natural that would be amplified.

Kisses were to be expected, and Javier enjoyed them. It was what Javier expected, what he wanted. It was what set their relationship in motion and it was what Javier ached for.

He was wary of Yuzuru’s lack of experience, tried to be patient and give Yuzuru the time for getting comfortable in whatever they were doing. A little time to practice.  
Yuzuru was a pretty fast learner, and Javier was aware that they didn’t have the luxury of a lot of time to take things slow. If he moved too fast and Yuzuru seemed uncomfortable, even if he didn’t say it out loud, Javier backed off or broke the tension in some way, but he didn’t exactly hold himself back. Any kind of sex was supposed to be fun. It was clear Yuzuru hadn’t fooled around before. Javier certainly didn’t want to push Yuzuru in any way that would dampen his enjoyment.

Javier didn’t shy away from it. He kissed down the length of Yuzuru’s body, tasted salt on his skin, took him into his mouth and listened to him gasp. He watched Yuzuru twist the bed sheets in his hands. He groaned into Yuzuru’s neck, sucking pink marks into his skin that would fade by the morning as Yuzuru rocked his hips against his. He resisted the urge to tug on Yuzuru’s hair while he teased Javier with his tongue, replicating whatever he liked Javier doing to him the best he could and improvising plenty as he grew more confident.  
This was ground Javier had covered before. He enjoyed, very much, letting Yuzuru explore with him.

As time passed their physical relationship developed. Easy affection, caresses that were almost second nature. Their little dates as casual as ever but now not ending until the next morning. Yuzuru would bring a little overnight bag with a change of clothes a couple of times a week. Javier would cook for them; they’d eat together and clean up together, hang out and then fall into bed. Javier relished the feel of Yuzuru’s body beneath his hands. He’d look up at him and watch his Adam's apple bob, head thrown back and lips parted as Javier thrust up into him. Or look down, feel the strength in the thighs wrapped around him, see Yuzuru arch up from the bed, kiss as much as he could as Yuzuru’s hands gripped desperately at his shoulders.

That’s what they were there for. In a way. Yuzuru: exploring a newly awakened sexuality he hadn’t got chance to play with before his success and subsequent attention made it a fairly terrifying prospect. Javier: wanting some resolution to this attraction that messed up his neat and tidy idea of who he was.

  
It was different to how Javier typically treated men; they were playing a game Javier hadn’t really played before - or at least, not with this kind of partner. The only rule he knew was that at the end of the summer, it would come to an end. They had to try to find some way to burn off the sexual and more complicated feelings that had crept into the way they related to each other and hope their friendship doesn’t get destroyed in the process. Tie off the crushes and flirting, touching and wanting all in a little bow. A simple thing. They liked each other; they would see each other for a while. It would end. They would move on.

It maybe wasn’t as simple as Javier wanted it to be. It didn’t quite go as planned. Because really, Javier liked Yuzuru too much. He enjoyed being with him too much.

They would cuddle up together. Javier would gently stroke at Yuzuru’s hair, trying to flatten the wilder strands that stuck out at all angles. Yuzuru would look up at him with a sleepy, satisfied kind of smile and Javier’s heart would throb. They didn’t just share heated kisses, pressing each other against the nearest surface; they also shared the softest, gentlest of kisses. The sweetest and purest little nuzzles of affection. They would take photographs together out in cafes or parks or curled up together somewhere in Javier’s apartment. Javier would slowly wake in the morning with Yuzuru’s alarm, and watch as Yuzuru roused from the depths of his dreams, his cheek smashed against Javier’s pillow and hair looking like he got caught in a hurricane in the night and Javier would feel his breath catch in his throat. They slept curled up together, Javier stroking at Yuzuru’s belly until they drifted off. Safe, warm, wanted.

Sex didn’t bother Javier, but the intimacy that grew alongside it made him uncomfortable. Sometimes he felt like he coveted Yuzuru more than he should. He treasured him in a way he maybe shouldn’t. At least, not if this little bubble they built for themselves was doomed to burst the way he knew it was.  
In small moments where he was completely honest with himself, he wished it wouldn’t.

Javier remembered a time when he had woken up in the middle of the night. He hadn’t quite known what woke him until he realised Yuzuru was restless in his sleep and his breath was shallow and distressed. He had propped himself up on his elbows, touching Yuzuru’s shoulder lightly. At first, he was scared Yuzuru was having an asthma attack, but his breathing wasn’t wheezy. He called out for Yuzuru to wake up. It took a while, but Yuzuru opened his eyes, breathing heavily.

“Dream,” Yuzuru croaked, eyes unfocused. Javier could feel him tremble. “Everything shaking.”

  
“It’s okay,” Javier told him. He ran his fingers through Yuzuru’s hair. Yuzuru curled up on his side, reaching out to touch Javier’s chest.

  
“Everything shake so much.” Yuzuru’s voice wavered, his eyes closing tightly. “Can’t stand. Crawl out.” Not a dream. Javier realised. Yuzuru hadn’t just had a nightmare, he was talking about a memory. Javier froze, barely daring to breathe as Yuzuru talked. “Ruin blades. Road was cracked.”

  
“It’s okay; you’re safe now.” Javier pulled Yuzuru closer and rubbed lightly at his shoulder. He felt the wetness of a tear against his neck. His heart ached. “You’re with me. You’re safe.”

  
“So scared for family.” Yuzuru hiccuped back a sob. “Thought home was gone. So many people died.”

  
Javier didn’t know what to do, so he just held him. He let Yuzuru speak. He listened.  
Yuzuru didn’t talk about the quake, didn’t like to relive it but was asked over and over to share his experience being caught up in it. Javier wondered if everyone who asked Yuzuru about it forgot that Yuzuru had been fifteen at the time of the quake and had likely struggled to process what had happened around him. There was no doubt it was an event that had shaped him, made him the man he was becoming. But that didn’t mean it was right for him to be forced to go over it, over and over. It was one thing when he talked about it on his own terms, as part of his role as a spokesperson for the relief efforts. It was another entirely when reporters sprang questions upon him without warning.

  
Yuzuru thought the nightmares had gone away. He thought he had stopped revisiting that day in his sleep. Javier had gently chased away a tear from Yuzuru’s cheek with his thumb. He wished he could chase away the nightmares, pain and fear and guilt too.

“I’m Olympic gold now,” Yuzuru said faintly. “I can help more.”

  
Javier smiled, strained but fond. It was so like Yuzuru, to think of others and what he could do for them. Yuzuru was no perfect angel, he had his selfishness. But for every selfish reason he had to continue skating and compete to win, he also carried this burning desire to somehow have a positive impact on others. To raise money for charities or his struggling home rink.To use his media presence to remind people that there were still victims who suffered from their homes being destroyed and their livelihoods washed away.

He looked into Yuzuru’s eyes, saw the rawness there, how open Yuzuru was with him. It made his throat feel tight. He liked it, treasured that Yuzuru was allowing himself be completely vulnerable to him. But he also feared it.

Javier remembered the panic attack Yuzuru had the year before. He felt a strange swell of happiness that came with a sharp, twisting stab of pain; Yuzuru seemed to find him comforting. It made him realise the progress he had made - enough, at least, to let Yuzuru lean on him, be a source of strength when he needed it. He wanted to be there to make Yuzuru smile, to wipe away tears and hold him. But it was a small tragedy that Yuzuru had so much in his life he needed comfort for; the trauma of the earthquake, the daily struggle of his asthma, the enormous pressure of a country that saw him as a shining beacon of hope and an example of strength.  
Javier wanted that emotional connection, he was happy to feel it grow, but he didn’t like that part of the price was Yuzuru’s pain. And the depth of his emotions made him want to run away.

***

When Brian gestured for Javier to have a private chat at the end of his training session, Javier had thought nothing of it. He had been a little confused since he had a pretty good session.

Javier sat, Brian sat. Javier waited expectantly for whatever Brian had to say. Brian looked awkward and sighed. “I need to talk to you about Yuzuru.”

Javier clammed up. “I thought we agreed it’s none of your business.”  
There was really nothing for Brian to talk about if he wasn’t interested in giving unsolicited person advice. Their relationship was not entering the club; it wasn’t affecting their training. It’s not like they were distracted and staring at each other all day or making out in the corner of the rink.

Brian nodded with his ‘eh, what can you do’ expression. “I had a little chat with Yuzuru’s mother. She’s a bit concerned.”

Javier's stomach dropped. “Oh?”

“She’s noticed he’s been spending an awful lot of time with you,” Brian explained, polite enough to beat around the bush about it. Javier knew he was probably quoting her. He doubted Yuzuru’s mother would say outright that she thought her son was sleeping with a fellow skater.

Javier shrugged. “It’s summer. We’re hanging out.”

“Javi. You know I know you are not just hanging out.”Brian dropped the uncomfortable politeness and became more impatient. “You’re dating, right?”

“I’m not gay,” Javier said flatly.

Brian wasn’t exactly pleased to get that as an answer. His face turned somewhat grumpy. “That’s not what I was asking.”

“I’m not-” Javier had taken a breath, trying not to seem defensive. “We’re not--.”

“Sure, you’re just really good friends.” Brian almost rolled his eyes, folding his hands underneath his chin, resting his elbows on his desk. “Javi, be mature about this please.”

Javier felt like a child being scolded. “Does she... suspect-”

“Of course she suspects. He’s sleeping at your apartment for half the week. She’s not an idiot.” Brian leant back in his chair. His words had been a little harsh, but his tone softened them. “Just like I’m not an idiot when you two roll in together and Yuzuru is skipping across the ice wearing your clothes.”

  
“That was just one time,” Javier mumbled, crossing his arms over himself. “He makes sure he brings a change of clothes now.”

Brian sighed and shifted the conversation back on track. “Being a teenage boy, Yuzu won’t talk to her about these kinds of things.” He smiled a little at Javier. “And I am not close enough to him to start asking him personal questions.”

  
“So you’re going to ask me personal questions instead.” Javier had grimaced, not quite liking the way Brian called Yuzuru a teenager. Maybe he was, technically, but it wasn’t like he was that young. “He’s nearly twenty. He’s not a child.”

“His birthday is in December. It is July.” Brian seemed amused. “You are older and should be more responsible. So, yes, you are the one I’m talking to.”

Javier looked up at him. He knew that his relationship with Brian was a little closer than Yuzuru’s. A bit more open. Javier had been in Toronto earlier, knew more English and hadn’t come with any family. When he first joined the club, he had needed Brian a little more for support than Yuzuru ever did. Brian tilted his head slightly, expression open and friendly. “She just wants to know you are being... safe.”

Javier had frowned. “Um. Yes? I’m not stupid. I know to use condoms.”

Brian had let out a long-suffering sigh and looked up at the ceiling. “I don’t think that’s what she meant. Maybe safe was the wrong word.” He looked back down at Javier, distinctly uncomfortable. “But good to know.”

“Does she mean privacy?” Brian shrugged in response. Maybe. “Me and Yuzu have talked about that. I know to keep my mouth shut.”

“Oh, I don’t know. You could both be a bit more discreet,” Brian said with a little humour, except Javier didn’t find it funny. “But mostly I think she is worried about his feelings getting hurt.” Brian assessed the way Javier’s frown deepened. “He’s nineteen and hasn’t dated before. You’re older and recently had a girlfriend. I can understand her concern.”

“Yuzu knows what we’re doing,” Javier said, defensive. He didn’t like the connotation that Javier was in the wrong, or that Yuzuru was so naïve Javier could lead his astray in such a way. Yuzuru was intelligent and mature enough. Javier felt they were selling both of them a bit short. “This isn’t a serious thing for either of us.”

Brian grimaced. “Javi-”

“We like each other, we trust each other and he feels safe here,” Javier said, trying to sound as neutral as possible. Not protesting too much, just explaining. “We’re having some fun together for a while and when the season starts we’ll focus on that.”

Brian seemed unconvinced. “You’re sure that what both of you are thinking?”

“We’ve talked about it,” Javier assured him. Maybe they hadn’t discussed it at length, in detail, but enough that Javier felt they had an understanding. “Like you said. He’s young and he’s never dated before. He told me he was too scared to. He feels safe with me. That’s all.”

Brian still looked wary. His voice became clipped. “So I’m supposed to be satisfied that you two just have a ‘fuck buddy’ arrangement going on?”

“That’s a bit…” Crass. A little too crass. Javier felt a sharp slap of judgement, and the curl of shame that followed. “I don’t know if I would call it that-”

As soon as he spoke he started doubting himself. He thought that maybe it would’ve been better to let the fuck buddy comment go unchallenged, let that be the label he placed on Yuzuru. If he did that, their relationship meant nothing and had no uncomfortable truths he would have to face eventually. If they were nothing more than convenient sex then it wouldn’t matter when it ended. But he knew it wasn’t true - they were casual, or at least he thought they were, and they had a set expiration but he went on dates with Yuzuru. They were affectionate. They weren’t just friends who hung out and had sex; they were in some stage of developing a deeper relationship with deeper feelings.  
In retrospect, Javier wished he had got the fucking clue right then, but he didn’t. He just lumped them as something too soft for the harshness of a ‘fuck buddy’ but outside of the boundary of ‘dating’ for his own sanity. Just casually seeing each other. Temporary. Just a sample of what it could be like if they were dating, but knowing it had to end and couldn’t happen.

“I didn’t think so.” Brian sighed again. Javier felt at least a little satisfied that he seemed to find this conversation as uncomfortable and unwelcome as he did. Brian thinned his lips. “You might want to address that denial problem you have.”

  
Maybe Javier was fooling himself. He had to. It was self-preservation. The timing was wrong; the circumstances were wrong, his mentality was wrong. Maybe they should’ve never started dating in the first place, but the whole thing felt out of his hands. They had fallen into each other without wanting or meaning to; it would end whether he wanted it to or not. There was no point in getting too committed or too invested. Their lives just didn’t seem to allow it at the time.

Javier wondered if he went back to the point in time, what he would do differently. But even that was a pointless activity. He couldn’t go back to change anything. Only move forward and do his best.

He thought Yuzuru had the same endpoint in mind. At least at some point. But there were times it was clear they had both lost control of how they felt. Javier saw it in the way Yuzuru looked at him when they kissed. He saw it in the quiet moments they had together when lust wasn’t in the picture and they were just together. Being themselves. Being whatever they were in those spaces between training and sex and sleeping. When Yuzuru watched him read and played with his hair or when Javier touched Yuzuru’s cheek before their lips met. He heard it when Yuzuru shyly whispered ‘te amo’ and asked if it made Javier happy, to hear him say that. Javier had looked away. It did make him happy. It also hurt. And it was confusing. Because he wanted everything to be real but conversely didn’t - it was too much, when too much against what Javier told himself was right.

They began to cool down in sync with the weather. Yuzuru went back to studying at home instead of studying in Javier’s apartment, went back to sleeping in his own bed most nights and with Javier less and less. Javier saw the end coming. He withdrew a little. It was a shit thing to do, but it was what they needed.  
Still, when they were alone together, he wasn’t exactly aloof. Yuzuru was still Yuzuru; funny and charming and dorky as he was. They were still friends, beneath it all.

Javier lay on his side with his hands pillowed beneath his head, looking at Yuzuru stare at the ceiling. Yuzuru rolled to face him and smiled, eyes crinkling cutely. Javier kissed the tip of his nose.

“It’s already…” Yuzuru paused, searching for the word. “Nine month.”

“September,” Javier supplied with a laugh. Yuzuru was good at holding on to words he needed - skating terms, feelings, ways to describe pain or physical condition, colours and qualities of sound. He was less great at holding onto things like months, tastes, foods because those things just didn’t interest him all that much.

“Season nearly start.” Yuzuru’s expression melted into something more wistful, longing. “Time went so fast.”

Javier hummed in agreement. It felt hard to talk. Hard to breathe. “Off season always seems too short.”

“Are you nervous?” Yuzuru asked, confessing. “I’m already feeling stress.”

“A little.” Javier nodded. “I was supposed to have a break. I feel kind of unprepared.”  
“I think maybe we need to focus more.” Yuzuru had said it slowly. Javier felt a twinge, knowing what he meant by that. They knew it was coming. Javier had always seen it on the horizon. It just seemed so far away a week ago, but it had arrived right in front of him. Time was up.

“Yeah,” Javier said thickly. “It can’t be summer forever.”

“I am lazy with school too.” Yuzuru pouted, a single finger idly stroking at Javier’s neck. “So maybe this is last time I stay before season start.”

“You? Slacking?” Javier chuckled, despite how it felt like his insides just turned to stone. Yuzuru was not quite the model student everyone thought he was, Javier was always laughing at him whining because he left some assignment to the last minute. “Never. I don’t believe it.”

He would miss Yuzuru splayed out on his floor or bed with his laptop and three books scattered around him, occasionally pausing to roll onto his back and whine. He’d miss Yuzuru wanting to tell him about something he found interesting, realising he lacked the English to talk about it, and deciding to just talk about it in Japanese anyway because he thought it was useful to discuss it out loud, even if Javier didn’t understand.

“It’s true,” Yuzuru bit his lip, looking at Javier from beneath his lashes. “I’ve been so bad.”

Javier smiled and dislodged a hand from under his head to brush some of Yuzuru’s hair behind his ear. “It’s okay. You can catch up.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru shuffled closer to Javier, slipping his hand to the back of his head. “We’ll be okay, right? Even if we’re busy.”

“Of course,” Javier told him, hoping that wouldn’t become a lie later. It had to be the strangest, most amicable breakup Javier ever had, and ever would have. Maybe because it wasn’t a surprise at all. Maybe because they ad agreed so long ago that they would end, and when it would happen.  
Javier had no idea how he felt. Regretful. A little relieved.

He kissed Yuzuru and it felt like a goodbye. In a way it was. He wasn’t gripped by the fierce joy that usually accompanied kissing Yuzuru. Instead, it was soft and slow and quiet.

When Javier pushed Yuzuru back into the mattress and crawled on top of him, that was slow and gentle too. He kissed Yuzuru's neck and took his time. He felt as much of Yuzuru as he could with his hands, tasted all of Yuzuru as he could with his mouth. He took Yuzuru and tried to make it last. Yuzuru whimpered into his ear, begging for faster, harder but Javier ignored. He didn’t want it to all come to an end too fast because he knew once the morning came and they left the apartment it was over. So he rocked into Yuzuru deep and slow, peppering kisses onto his gasping mouth and along his jaw. He touched Yuzuru light, soft and stroking a slow decent down. He drank in every babbled plea for more, every gasp and stuttered breath.  
The burn built up slowly, less like a burst of pleasure and more like a wave reaching its crest but when that apex came, it was long and intense. Yuzuru keened and shuddered beneath him. His fingers digging into Javier’s shoulders so hard they could’ve left bruises, body arching up off the bed.  
Yuzuru had smiled, sleepy and sated, and pulled Javier in to a languid kiss. The last one.  
Javier should’ve said something, should have told Yuzuru he didn’t want it to end. But he didn’t.

That was the last time Yuzuru slept over. Javier knew it would be.

If the whole little relationship was an experiment to see what it would be like to for them to date, the answer was it would be good. Part of Javier wanted to extend that experiment, see how they would work when the season started when they were busy with their competition assignments and in different time zones for half the year. He wondered if it would change the way they competed with each other at all. It’s not like they ever got nasty about it, they never got bitter when they won over each other.  
Javier had wanted a resolution. He wasn’t sure if he got it. Dating Yuzuru had, in so many ways, been easy. It hadn’t gotten in the way of their training; it hadn’t gotten in the way with other areas of their personal lives. Yuzuru still had time for school and games, music and staying in the loop with the life he had in Japan. Javier still had time for other friends, old rink mates, his family, soccer.  
Maybe it had just been too short from problems to really manifest. But if the experiment had been if Javier could date Yuzuru and feel nothing, the answer was no.  
It didn’t matter. It was over.

Javier felt cold and lonely after that. Many things stayed the same. They still trained together. They still helped each other up when they fell. They still laughed together.  
They just...weren’t together.  
It was like it never happened. Javier thought that maybe it was better that way.

  
Javier turned away from Yuzuru and fell into someone else. It was a bad idea. Javier did it anyway.

  
Miki was a combination of things. She was a constant friend that he kept in contact with regularly over the span of years. A beautiful woman he had admired in some way since he met her, but they were constantly dating other people. A sort of long-term flirtationship that could have transitioned to dating at any time. She needed someone right as Javier was looking for someone to turn to. He had been giving her emotional support as her life seemingly went to shit, and she made him feel better without asking what was wrong.

  
They met while Javier was at Japan Open to start his season. They went on something of a non-date that became a Date without them really meaning it to. They gravitated towards each other naturally. It was, possibly, the first and only instance where they had both been single at the same time and so they made that transition.  
At the time she gave him something very specific.

Them getting together was just something that kind of happened. She needed someone to lean on. And Javier wanted to feel needed. He wanted to feel normal. It wasn’t like there was no buildup, no context. There was years of it. She was bright and smart, they always had great chemistry and she was right for him.

“I just got out of a relationship,” he told her before he was due to return to Canada.  
She looked curious but said nothing.  
“It wasn’t serious but-” He stopped himself, not sure what he wanted to say. It was too late to tell her it was too early to get together. What’s done was done. It had been no more than a few weeks

“I guess I am just in right place at right time,” she joked with a sly smile. Javier had laughed and pulled her in to kiss her.

In some ways, she was right.  
In other ways, she was wrong. They had a friendship that could have turned into dating at any time, but they made that transition at exactly the worst time; when Javier was confused, running, in denial and emotionally invested in someone else.

He felt a twinge of guilt when he went back to Toronto and Yuzuru was injured. He didn’t know what to tell him if he should, how to do it. Yuzuru joked about going on a date if they went to compete in Barcelona and Javier felt a sharp stab of pain.

He started dating Miki. Because she was there, finally available after years of them missing their window. Because she made him laugh and he made her smile. Because she had turned to hi when she had needed support. Because he needed to write over whatever he had with Yuzuru, replace it with something else.

Being with Miki was many things being with Yuzuru hadn’t been. For one, there was no looming deadline for when it would come to an end. There was no edge of discomfort with Javier feeling he shouldn’t want as much as he did or feel as much as he had. He wanted to be with her, make it work, date her openly.

He had meant to tell Yuzuru, explain if he needed to. Make sure Yuzuru wasn’t hurt that Javier was moving on. But Javier held it off too long, Yuzuru had the accident, and rumours were already starting to fly. Yuzuru stopped talking to him. Javier assumed he was told by someone. He and Miki shared a few friends. Javier didn’t know what to say. He regretted not talking to Yuzuru himself.  
But when Yuzuru came back to Toronto he wasn’t angry. Just tired and healing. Nothing changed. They were friends. For a brief moment, Javier thought it all worked out.

It was odd for things to be so simultaneous great and awful. Things with Miki was going well, but Yuzuru came back from Japan strange. Withdrawn. Sad. Angry.

“It’s not to do with you. I don’t think.” Brian shook his head when Javier asked. “At least he says it’s not. Apparently, his surgery was traumatic and he was upset Tatsuki retired.” Brian shrugged. Javier wasn’t convinced, but he could understand. Yuzuru was having a hard year. It was a string of small disasters all season. Maybe the little victories along the way stopped being able to puncture the progressive run of injuries and panic attacks and illnesses. He couldn’t blame Yuzuru if the stress w getting to him.

Javier still wanted to be some comfort to Yuzuru. There was nothing he hated more than seeing Yuzuru unhappy but it seemed nothing he did helped.  
All the rules changed and Javier felt lost. He had no idea what was going on. Trying to help Yuzuru up after a fall just got Yuzuru yelling at him to leave him alone. Trying to touch him in any way at all earned a flinch. Things that used to make Yuzuru soft and happy now made him harsh and icy.

Even when Yuzuru mellowed, returned to his normal self, Javier never got a grasp of the new rules because they were constantly changing. Did Yuzuru find hugs comforting or angering? If Javier were to touch him, would he lean in or push him away? Would Javier say the right thing and make Yuzuru soften, or the wrong thing and make Yuzuru snap?

Then the impossible happened. He won the World Championships. It was incredible; a high Javier never thought he would reach. But it meant he had to hold Yuzuru’s face in his hands, wipe away disappointed tears. He was so happy, so overwhelmed, but he ached to see Yuzuru cry.  
Javier wanted to kiss him. He couldn’t. He shouldn’t have wanted to.

Javier saw a future with Miki and her daughter. He wasn’t able to commit himself to Yuzuru. He wanted to commit himself to Miki.  
Javier tried. And it was good. He loved her. But.

He still felt something for Yuzuru. It took him a while to accept it enough to admit what it was.  
It crept up on him.

  
The realisation that he loved Yuzuru was a slow one and hit too late. He tried to shake it away but it wouldn’t fade. He had tried to figure out what they needed to be, how they could work, how they could move on. Yuzuru seemed to swing between pretending it never happened and being annoyed at Javier pretending it never happened. Javier wanted to continue as normal; then he wanted to be close, then he realised he just didn’t want to let go.

It was like when the realisation he was attracted to Yuzuru hit him. He thought it would fade and it didn’t, because Yuzuru’s own interest fed Javier’s and sustained it. For time to time, Yuzuru looked at him so openly pining it was impossible for Javier to not respond. It called anything that he tried to bury deep within right up to the surface.  
He saw flashes of hurt from time to time in Yuzuru’s eyes that made Javier ache like nothing else. He wanted to make it better, somehow, anyway, he could. He wanted to make Yuzuru smile. There were moments when Javier would touch him and Yuzuru would lean into him and hold his breath, or look up at him with such obvious longing. There were times they would laugh together and Yuzuru would smile so fondly, then turn away shy and Javier’s heart would feel as if it were straining to escape his chest.  
It was too late. It was already over. Javier had Miki. But.

Yuzuru was confusing. He still danced at the side of the rink, talked to his Pooh bear and laughed like a drunk hyena. He still made silly faces and clapped at practices and wanted to race around the ice. He still laughed at Javier’s jokes and smiled with his eyes, still left practice with a blush high on his cheeks and the tip of his nose pink and had faint freckles dusting his cheekbones. But sometimes he came to Javier for comfort and sometimes he ran away. Sometimes he was happy for Javier to indulge and hold on when they hugged and sometimes it was like being touched hurt him. Sometimes he looked at Javier like he wanted to be kissed, only to turn away shy or crack a joke. Sometimes Javier thought he knew Yuzuru, and other he felt like he hadn’t the faintest clue what he was thinking. He wanted to find out. But Yuzuru kept hiding.

  
In an odd way, it was like Javier’s life split in two. His life with Miki, and his everyday life with Yuzuru. He kept them separate and cringed whenever he saw them talking together. Guilt curled in his gut whenever those two parts of his life overlapped. He wasn’t exactly being unfaithful, but Javier knew he was putting too much time and energy into Yuzuru - indulging his want to touch, trying to be close, trying to deny and push the feeling away only for Yuzuru to smile at him.

He shouldn’t look at Yuzuru the way he looked at him; with his eyes following the lines of his body almost on reflex whenever he thought no one was watching. He shouldn’t touch Yuzuru the way he touched him; holding on for too long, hands on his waist, holding his hips, stroking along skin whenever he thought he could get away with it. He shouldn’t think of Yuzuru the way he thought about him, want him the way he wanted him. He shouldn’t love him the way he loved him.

  
Not when he had Miki. Not when he had her to look at and touch and hold and love. It started to eat him up inside. He had no reason, none at all, to be in anyway dissatisfied with being with Miki. The long-distance was hard, but they worked it out. The balance of training, competitions and family life with Miki was difficult but bearable. There were compromises they both had to make but it was worth it. They had everything they needed for a good, strong, lasting relationship. They had the chemistry, the way their personalities meshed, the understanding between them, the support and the love. But Javier’s heart and eyes and thoughts strayed.

Javier knew he wasn’t giving his relationship with Miki the attention he needed to, the kind of care he once had. He knew he was neglecting a partnership he had wanted so badly to work. He loved Miki. He loved Himawari. He loved the idea of them being a family.

He was in love with Yuzuru. He felt like he was lying all the time.

How anyone found out was simple. Javier got drunk. Not very drunk. Just...drunk enough.  
Drunk enough to tell Raya that he was having problems with Miki. They weren’t what they once were. They argued, they made up, and every time they were a little less. Javier had wanted to be committed to her, and he was failing. She could feel something was wrong, but couldn’t riddle out what. She became impatient. Javier got defensive.  
Raya was sympathetic. At first. Listened to Javier agonise, tried to encourage him that it was enough to still want to invest in the relationship.

And so, Javier let out the real reason everything was going wrong and his relationship with Miki was dying.  
“I’m in love with Yuzuru.”

Raya froze. “Are you cheating on Miki?”

“No.” Javier shook his head. And explained.

There was something very satisfying, very cathartic, in saying it out loud. Raya listened as Javier confessed everything. They had been together. It hadn’t supposed to be like this. He hadn’t meant to fall for Yuzuru. He hadn’t meant to date Miki while his feelings were a total mess.

“It was supposed to be a casual thing but it didn’t feel all that casual. We were too close to each other.” Javier rubbed at his face. He was stupid, to have thought they could’ve dated without developing feelings for each other. Or thinking they would let go so easily. “We stopped seeing each other anyway.”

Raya stared at him. It wasn't surprising to him that Javier was in to Yuzuru, or that they had hooked up at some point. He didn’t need to dig on how that all happened. Instead, he asked the important question. “Why?”  
Why, if they had been interested in each other and falling for each other, why had they ended things when they didn’t particularly want to.

“We had to,” Javier said emphatically. “It was the right thing to do at the time. The season was about to start; we weren’t going to see each other for like three months.”

Raya shrugged. “So? You could have done long distance for a while.”

“If anyone found out it would’ve been a mess-”

“You kept it quiet that long.”

“He hasn’t told his family that he’s gay--”

“You could’ve worked through that together.” Raya waved his hand like he was swatting away a fly. “This is just a load of excuses.”

Excuses. Problems they should’ve worked through together. Problems that weren’t big enough to break up over. Time apart during the season could be dealt with just with a little effort to keep in touch. Javier should’ve supported Yuzuru in telling his family, if he wanted to, especially when he knew his mother was wise to what they were doing. And it’s not like they didn’t have teams of people to protect them should any rumours fly, but keeping their private business out of the media wouldn’t have been all that difficult if they applied any kind of effort at all.

“Did you know you love him while you were with him?” Raya asked, not sounding quite so sympathetic anymore. “Because it’s kinda shitty to Miki if you did.”

Had he? In some ways, yes. In others, no. Had he felt it? Yes. Had he let himself feel it and recognise that feeling? No. He hadn’t accepted. He denied it over and over. Told himself over and over that he couldn’t. That’s why it got all fucked up. Javier was so scared of what it would mean be blocked it out.

“You’ve been dating Miki since you broke up with him.” Raya leant forward, looking at Javier curiously. “Why are you still so wrapped up in Yuzu?”

“I think he feels the same about me.” Javier almost laughed at himself. The signs had been there while they were together and Javier mostly ignored them because it was too real and too uncomfortable. Now he wanted to see it. He wanted Yuzuru to just tell him.  
“It’s confusing because he was fine with me dating Miki. I don’t know.”

“Dios mio,” Raya muttered. “You should’ve just talked to him before you broke up. If he felt differently about it. Asked if he wanted to carry on seeing you.”

“There were reasons we were only hooking up for the summer. Even if our feelings changed, those reasons were still there.”

“If those reasons matter so much you shouldn’t have dated in the first place,” Raya said a little snappily. “You’re reaching for justification because you don’t want to admit the real reason.”

It stung because he was right. The problem was that at the time, Javier was just not ready for that. He couldn’t face up to it. He could handle it if it meant nothing if it was just a few months and was scheduled to end. He just couldn’t stomach the idea of people finding out. It was bad enough Brian knew. Javier imagined more people at the club finding out, or telling his parents or other friends and having them sigh like they had known all along. He’d dealt with people having that kind of suspicion, the assumption, about him just for the sport he chose to pursue and he had always hated it. He hated that people had the nerve to discredit figure skating as ‘girly’ or ‘gay’ when it was hard work and physically demanding.  
The women he knew who competed were strong athletes worthy of respect, not to be used as a way to belittle men in the sport. And every sport had gay men in it somewhere, and they were just as strong and able as any other guy in any other sport. He thought the whole attitude was stupid but he still didn’t want to inherit that label or prove people who thought like that right.  
He didn’t want people looking at him, looking at him being with Yuzuru, and judging him for it.

“Why do you care so much what people think?” Raya asked.

The million dollar question. Javier thought of how good it was when it was just him and Yuzuru together, in the moments he didn’t hold back and let himself not care. The moments when Yuzuru jumped into Javier’s arms, laughing because he’d done something cool, or they were cuddled up in bed of a morning not wanting to get up. If it ever hit the media, sure, it would be awful for Yuzuru and Javier wanted to protect him from that. But would it be so awful, for other people to know? He hid it because he was ashamed. He hid it because he thought it was wrong, or at least he thought other people would think it was wrong.  
It made him feel uneasy. To be with Yuzuru regardless of what people thought of him for it. But at least he was questioning it.

  
“Maybe it’s better that you two aren’t together,” Raya said flatly. “Yuzuru deserves better than a guy that thinks it’s wrong for two guys to date--”

  
“Woah, you know I’m not a homophobe-”

  
“You are a little bit,” Raya said dryly. “It’s only okay if you’re with a guy for sex and it means nothing? You only dated Yuzu thinking it was temporary? You realised Yuzu meant something to you so you come up with a load of excuses of why you can’t date and immediately hooked up with Miki? That’s some bullshit, Javi.”

  
It made Javier feel like shit. He didn’t want Raya, or Brian, or Adam or any other gay guys he knew to think his disapproved of their lifestyles, that little aspect of their identities. He had just spent so long convinced it wasn't him. It was fine for Raya, for Brian with his husband. It just wasn’t okay for him. He supposed it was way past time to start asking why.  
He was glad Raya called him on it. He wished he had paid a bit more attention why Brian had basically done the same thing.

“You should focus more on fixing things with Miki. Though you’re not exactly being fair to her either.” That was Raya’s final piece of advice. Focus on the relationship Javier was actually in. Try to fix it. It was good to question himself and work on his issues but maybe he just had to let Yuzuru go.

Javier tried. He failed.  
He nearly slipped up. He nearly kissed Yuzuru. Javier finally got conformation. Yuzuru still wanted him.  
Javier no longer felt he could trust himself to be faithful to Miki.  
They ended their relationship.

“I can’t give you what you want,” He had told her. “I can’t give you what you deserve.”  
He couldn’t tell her the reason. He thought it was too cruel to just tell her he was in love with someone else.

“I know you tried,” She said. She sounded tired. “It’s okay. I was thinking… We were trying too hard to keep going but the more we tried, the more I thought we’d end up hating each other.” She looked up at him miserably. “I don’t want that.”

  
Javier didn’t want that either.  
He’d always been better at handling the beginning of a relationship. When everything was fresh and new when you are just high on the rush of being with someone. He had been good with Miki in that stage, the first few months of their relationship had been great. He adored her. He liked how being around her made him feel. Even as they drew their relationship to a close, Javier looked at her sat on the bed with her knees drawn up to her chest, arms hugging her legs, long black hair pushed back from her face. She was beautiful. They had spent Christmas and New Year together as a family and it was glorious. He wanted that family so much but…  
Maybe if he had started seeing her earlier, or a little later. Maybe if he had never dated Yuzuru and never fallen for him. Maybe in another life, in some parallel universe where Javier hadn’t fucked everything up, maybe they would have gotten married, settled down together, raised Himawari together. He had thought about it; moving to Japan for Miki, splitting his life between Japan and Spain after he retired from competitions and worked on becoming a coach. But with how he felt it would’ve been a farce. It wasn’t fair to Miki. She deserved better.  
He needed to love her completely. He didn’t.

  
He had avoided the facts for too long. If he had accepted it sooner he could’ve avoided hurting Miki, hurting Yuzuru.

He wanted to try.  
He felt like a moron. The whole time, this whole time, he and Yuzuru had feelings for each other. They could have told each other how they felt. In that time they could have worked out where they had failed to communicate. They could’ve helped each other through their respective issues, supported each other as they came to accept their sexualities. Javier should have told Yuzuru that Brian knew they were dating, he should’ve encouraged him to talk to his mother. He didn’t.

There was still time. Perhaps it was better late than never. They were older now and more mature. They could communicate better. Yuzuru had grown in so many ways over the past few years and Javier had too. His self-esteem wasn’t quite so diabolically low anymore. Depression didn’t crash over him leaving him numb and unmotivated quite so much anymore, and he was kinder to himself when it did. He had a better grip on his tendency to panic, though he had sufficiently psyched himself out at World’s, hearing Yuzuru and Shoma’s scores and thinking there was no way he could match them.  
And after all that wasted time and the hurt he had obviously inflicted on Yuzuru, they were still friends. The chances were hilariously small but they had somehow managed that. Yuzuru had whispered to him once again that he couldn’t win without Javier beside him and this time Javier didn’t feel conflicted about it. He was just happy. He thought that this was how it was supposed to be.

They were already taking steps. Javier smiled to himself, thinking about the tentative dates-but-not-dates they had after Yuzuru returned to Toronto from Korea. Yuzuru, pink-nosed and blissfully content with a hot chocolate, chatting about his ideas for next season. What programs he would skate to, his ideas of how he would elevate them to make the Olympics in Korea the culminating point of eighteen years of hard work.

“I might retire. After next season,” Javier had said, looking out of the window. “I’m not sure yet.”

  
“Me too,” Yuzuru said quietly. Javier had looked back at him.

“You’re too young to retire.”

“Most of my friends have retired,” Yuzuru pointed out. “I’m not really thinking about it. I just don’t have a plan for after next season. So it depends on my feeling.”

Javier had laughed. Yuzuru had grand plans since he was a child, that were slightly reshaped as he got older. He had huge dreams to win two gold medals at two Olympics, not just for his own pride but to offer any kind of hope, pride, happy reprieve to the people in his home country who suffered the trauma he had suffered but saw more than he had, lost more than he had. When Yuzuru talked about his motivations, beyond the superficial love of winning, it always left Javier stunned. There was no mystery as to how Yuzuru had captured the hearts of so many, to have the sort of fans he did. He was talented and aware of it, confident but not arrogant. Hardworking. Smart and thoughtful, deeply empathetic. It was a wonder Javier ever thought he would be immune, that he ever bothered at all to try to pretend he wasn’t in love with him.  
Yuzuru’s plans had never really extended too far into the future and lost all detail after Pyeongchang. Javier remembered Yuzuru shrugging as he lapped an ice cream, face scrunching as he thought about what he would do when his competitive life ended.“I dunno. Be pro skater? Maybe coach. I don’t know. I’d do something in skating.”

  
Javier had a more solid idea of what he would do when he retired from competitive skating.  
He didn’t see Yuzuru retiring alongside him. Yuzuru was too young and still just about reaching his peak condition. He had too much potential left unrealised. It would be a shame if he moved on so soon.

“I don’t know if I want to compete without you,” Yuzuru told him. His eyes sparked as he looked at Javier over his mug, a little coy.

“I don’t know. I think you’d be satisfied to fight with someone else.” Javier leant forward. He always wanted to be closer to Yuzuru. The table between them seemed annoying. “And you won’t get rid of me that easy. I’ll be around.”

If he needed to, Javier would consider coaching in Toronto. Not returning to Spain. He’d move to Japan. Anything to stay close to Yuzuru.  
If they worked things out.

Javier still had room to grow, room to improve. But he wanted to be better. He wanted to work through those issues. Two years ago Yuzuru had still been a teenager and Javier had been ashamed, clamming up when it came to the depth of feeling he had. Maybe that had rubbed off of Yuzuru, and that was why he was edgy about his feelings for Javier and the reality of the relationship - past, present and future. Maybe Yuzuru had inherited some of Javier’s shame and fear, held onto it and let it fester with the fear he already had. Javier wanted to change that. Or at least try to.  
It would be hard, it wouldn’t be perfect, they both had stuff to work through but maybe they could do it together. They could be happy.

In Tokyo, after the last gala of the season, Javier leant against the hotel wall. His head just about on the doorframe, looking at the black number on the door in front of him. Maybe he was being a touch too literal, holding Yuzuru to his word a bit too tightly, but they agreed to talk when the season ended and Javier couldn’t wait. He took a breath and knocked.

He could practically feel it at his fingertips - a second chance, an opportunity to have more than just a taste of what could be. They could find out what they wanted from each other and try again. Make it real. No countdown to an inevitable end, no holding back for one reason or another. Javier would let himself feel this time.  
The door opened, and Javier smiled.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 15 will be out within a few days :)
> 
> Comments motivate me~


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